I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
