I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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