right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
