and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The power of my boobs compel you
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
