Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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