He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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