I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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