When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
