I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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