i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
