If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
