i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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