i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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