Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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