my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
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we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
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What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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