is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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