worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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