I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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