She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
