Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
