dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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