When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
