can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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