i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
