Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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