i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
