guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
True but thats because hes a fetus.
there's paper in my vomit.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
