Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
