Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
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