I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
