we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
