So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
