Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
