I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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