Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i just google imaged poop.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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