somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
