why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
