in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
