Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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