That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
