she smelled like a LAN party
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
