Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
