soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
