His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
