If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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