I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
