we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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