Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Four minutes until I can fart!
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
