I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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