I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
