Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
