Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
