either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
