just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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