I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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