I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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