You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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