I think im going to throw up on grandma
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
