made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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