I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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