so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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